Revenge Plan

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Having children is not easy. You hear that a lot before you have them, you just don’t fully comprehend it until you actually become a parent. Your learning curve depends on what kind of first born you receive. Ours was not easy, yet we pressed on to 3 kids in 31 months. Thankfully, we have a sense of humor.  It is through humor that we managed to hold on to some of our brain cells and thrive in our marriage while managing our 3 little sanity suckers.

I would like to share one of our secrets. We have a revenge plan. The Revenge Plan.

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We’ll come skipping into their apartment or first home, bearing gifts, and a twinkle in our eye.

If you look closely, you may see that our eyes are bleeding from lack of sleep. Yet, I have an evil smile on my face because in my mind, I am creating The Revenge Plan. The plan is execute a few of these from the time they leave our nest to the time they have their first babies.

1. Freaky Wake-Ups: Every time they fall asleep, one of us will cry or yell for milk or let out a dream scream or I will wedge my fat thigh to the point of being stuck in the headboard/footboard or my favorite…just stand 2 inches from their face until they sense I am there and wake up. Creepy.

2. “Don’t Want it”…..this will be stated loudly as we will push the plate away of whatever they just slaved to make us in their first kitchen.

3. The Meltdown: When they are walking us around campus or their first job or out shopping together one or both of us will stop walking, plop, and refuse to move anymore.

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4. The Milk Plan: Oh I’m so excited for this one it gets its own post. Click here to read more about our specific milk plan.

5. The Floor: We will not be happy until we have made their floor crunchy. Bonus points if we can get one of them to step on banana chunk or lego.

6. The Roadtrip: While the kids are driving us somewhere wonderful, we’ll take turns asking for stuff that requires the passenger kid to turn around every 7 minutes. I will take the ziplock baggy full of cheerios and cheese crackers that I’ve stashed in my purse and pour it on the floor early in the trip so John and I can step on them for hours. I’ll probably color on the window and stick on a few stickers for good measure. And, its a given, we’ll ask “Are we there yet?” every 20 miles. I might even pee my pants.

7. Public Bathrooms: When I’m out with my daughters I will insist on heading to the bathroom. When we’re all inside, preferably in a busy bathroom, I will say really inappropriate comments for all to hear, give a by play by play of what’s going on, and laugh at any strange noises. “Does that lady have diarrhea?” John is in charge of Dawson’s public bathroom revenge which will involve commentary and comparisons, peeing on someone’s shoes, and asking him to “Huff and Puff and knock the door in” when he’s in a stall.

8. Carseat Revenge: As we are all piling in to go somewhere great I’ll lure them in with “Hey sweetheart, can you help me with this seatbelt?” When they arrive to help, I will immediately arch my back to a stiff board position, scream, and donkey kick.” See illustration below.

As you create your own Revenge Plans, be sure to check back at ours as I am sure it will continue to grow through the teenage years.

Don’t get mad, get even…..Love, Shelisa

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Comments

  1. As a parent who has entered the execution phase of The Revenge Plan I can say that revenge for the teenage years is quite fun as well. The main component is to respond to all questions with one-word-monotone-bored-out-of-your-mind answers. For example, when my daughter recently met me at the airport for my visit to her new city she asked how my flight was, and my response was a very bored “fine.” She looked shocked but recovered quickly to ask what I would like for lunch, to which I responded “whatever.” She then asked if I would like to go to my hotel first which received the answer of “sure.” I will give her credit for guessing what I was up to immediately after that answer…but then again she is going to be a teacher soon! I can’t wait to execute my Revenge Plan on my younger, and much more severe offender…the boy!

    Great blog Shelisa – keep it coming!

  2. This just might help me make it through the day! I have great ideas for my son. He is 3 and is refusing to potty train, but he does like to strip naked in random places. He had a great time this morning pouring out 2 bottles of baby powder in the floor in order to drive his cars through them. I get what you are saying, it’s better to laugh then cry!

    • Oh Traci, baby powder! That’s one I never experienced. Have you seen the flour video on youtube? I stuck it in my Flour Power post. Might make you feel better. Oh yes, sweet revenge. During many of our chaotic moments my husband will look at me and just say “we need to add this to the list”. 😉

  3. I LOVE this!!! It’s so funny and TRUE! I was changing my baby’s diaper the other day and my oldest daughter was standing there. I told her that when I got old, I was gonna pay all three of them back and that I was gonna make sure I pooped in my diaper multiple times a day just because they do the same thing to me. At only 3 years old, the idea of adults wearing diapers was beyond her understanding but I wasn’t kidding… Pay back will come…Great post. Now following from VB.

    • Ha…love it, Abby! This post really hit home with a lot of readers. My Revenge List is growing with ideas daily! Really, there could be a whole poop category on the Revenge List;)

  4. this is my new favorite blog. now off to formulate my own, revenge plan!

  5. Melody Mylenbusch says:

    This was like therapy! Laughed so hard I cried. I’m outnumbered by 3 boys so humor is my only chance of survival. THX

  6. Oh my! I think I may have woke the hubby and one of my future Revenge recipients, I laughed so hard!! Thanks for that wonderful bedtime story, I’ll be sure to have fabulous Revenge dreams in my head. I can’t wait to go to sleep!! I am also out numbered by 4 boys to myself, and sure appreciate going to bed with a smile after a day in The Life! Thanks!

  7. Oh boy, I sure have a lot of things I could add to my own list. Like: Public Humiliation: Strip down naked at the most inappropriate time and run screaming around laughing hysterically.

    Great post – I’m going to go to bed dreaming up my revenge. 🙂

  8. Oh my goodness!! This had me totally busting out laughing!! So awesome – I think I’ll steal a couple of ideas. I’ve got one already out of the house that I’m going to see in a month or so. I can’t wait to wake him up all night long lol!! Or answer him in one-word, monotone answers like Nancy suggested!

    Thanks for linking up with the Getting to Know You hop! I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to stop by!

    • Thanks Christina! I love hearing from Moms who are already implementing the Revenge Plan. It stirs up hope and justice for parents everywhere. Unroll the entire toilet paper roll in your son’s bathroom for me;)

  9. KC in VA says:

    This is SO well thought out, LOVE it, lol. We haven’t gotten past the dream of how every Saturday when they are teenagers we are going to fling open their curtains at the crack of dawn and scream “Mr. Sun is awake! Mr. Sun is awake!”…so while we haven’t so thoroughly plotted at this point and time (ours aren’t all packed into a 31 month span, I imagine knocking them out that quickly would drive you to formulate faster), we do find much comfort in the thought that soooooooomeday….oh yes, someday…

  10. Amanda P. says:

    I’m going to clog the toilet with a crazy amount of toilet paper! The poop on top of the clog!

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