Having children is not easy. You hear that a lot before you have them, you just don’t fully comprehend it until you actually become a parent. Your learning curve depends on what kind of first born you receive. Ours was not easy, yet we pressed on to 3 kids in 31 months. Thankfully, we have a sense of humor. It is through humor that we managed to hold on to some of our brain cells and thrive in our marriage while managing our 3 little sanity suckers.
I would like to share one of our secrets. We have a revenge plan. The Revenge Plan.
We’ll come skipping into their apartment or first home, bearing gifts, and a twinkle in our eye.
If you look closely, you may see that our eyes are bleeding from lack of sleep. Yet, I have an evil smile on my face because in my mind, I am creating The Revenge Plan. The plan is execute a few of these from the time they leave our nest to the time they have their first babies.
1. Freaky Wake-Ups: Every time they fall asleep, one of us will cry or yell for milk or let out a dream scream or I will wedge my fat thigh to the point of being stuck in the headboard/footboard or my favorite…just stand 2 inches from their face until they sense I am there and wake up. Creepy.
2. “Don’t Want it”…..this will be stated loudly as we will push the plate away of whatever they just slaved to make us in their first kitchen.
3. The Meltdown: When they are walking us around campus or their first job or out shopping together one or both of us will stop walking, plop, and refuse to move anymore.
4. The Milk Plan: Oh I’m so excited for this one it gets its own post. Click here to read more about our specific milk plan.
5. The Floor: We will not be happy until we have made their floor crunchy. Bonus points if we can get one of them to step on banana chunk or lego.
6. The Roadtrip: While the kids are driving us somewhere wonderful, we’ll take turns asking for stuff that requires the passenger kid to turn around every 7 minutes. I will take the ziplock baggy full of cheerios and cheese crackers that I’ve stashed in my purse and pour it on the floor early in the trip so John and I can step on them for hours. I’ll probably color on the window and stick on a few stickers for good measure. And, its a given, we’ll ask “Are we there yet?” every 20 miles. I might even pee my pants.
7. Public Bathrooms: When I’m out with my daughters I will insist on heading to the bathroom. When we’re all inside, preferably in a busy bathroom, I will say really inappropriate comments for all to hear, give a by play by play of what’s going on, and laugh at any strange noises. “Does that lady have diarrhea?” John is in charge of Dawson’s public bathroom revenge which will involve commentary and comparisons, peeing on someone’s shoes, and asking him to “Huff and Puff and knock the door in” when he’s in a stall.
8. Carseat Revenge: As we are all piling in to go somewhere great I’ll lure them in with “Hey sweetheart, can you help me with this seatbelt?” When they arrive to help, I will immediately arch my back to a stiff board position, scream, and donkey kick.” See illustration below.
As you create your own Revenge Plans, be sure to check back at ours as I am sure it will continue to grow through the teenage years.
Don’t get mad, get even…..Love, Shelisa